dc sargeant officer tubbz

sir we've been having a few problems with officer tubbz. we had three vital assignments this week and him with his fat belly managed to fuck us over on every darn one. first of all we had that stake-out at the steak house and he ate every one of the steaks that were meant for evidence. then a week later we had to investigate that stolen donut and it turns out that surprise surprise fatty had scarfed it. and then finally and this is when we started to realise that he mighty be a little too hot and flabby to handle we ended up having a feud over whose turn it was to vomit and he ate my doggarn gun. that's right he grabbed it out of my holster and shot himself from his mouth down to his stomach and digested the bullet instantly before seconds later farting it out at an even higher velocity towards my chest in a simian stance with butt held high. fortunately i was wearing my lucky bible sweater and the bullet bounced off of the part in the first chapter where jesus. sir are you getting all of this sir? he's a nice guy and i like him but he can also be quite the cacky chub chub this tubster the tub officer tubbz who ruins every last little bit of work we try and achieve around this place. i could piss all over him

beetle bacon

beetle bacon - the newest treat
for all of you rookies who need somethin to eat
just crush up some beetles on a porcelain plate
and fry em in a pan - shit they gonna taste great

when they turn purple then you know they lookin fine
just lay em out in strips
it's beetle bacon time

gordons bank

breaking news from gordons bank! we have run out of money! that's right there's no money left so don't go looking for it under the floorboards we took that too we know your secret cabinets. however we have managed to strike a deal with your governments and this is a big one. henceforth everything on gods green earth shall be free. that's right free 100% free. go into your local store and demand a loaf of bread. i'd like a loaf of bread. that'll be £1.40 please mate. what? the man on the telly said it was free. no sorry mate that was just an advert you must have been on the wrong channel. everything is free as long as you can pay for it

dick tips

do you ever just look at your dick and think about your ancestors? how many dicks before me? and how big? what colours which hues any weird blemishes? i know i don't but you might. just a good old-fashioned tip from your buddy the g-man

iron dick

hang on just a sec i gotta plug in my dick. whoooooaaaaaaaaaa okay there we go. feeling better now? i can begin to talk. takes 24 hours this you know? charging it. i gotta stand in this position for 24 hours and fuck me does it get tiring. they call me the man with the iron dick but it's actually made of copper. it's highly sensitive to radiation so i can't watch tv unless i'm wearing protective rubberpants. there are many downsides sure but twice the ups for every side down that's what i always srrrrrrrr. for instance when i instead of pissing i have to inject my urine out with a jumbo 2 litre syringe like in gotcha force. although i can cum it just ejects from my penis at 50 mph and has a peak temperature of 114c so i have many spackled holes in my wall from unpredictable cumshots. many burns too but what does that matter when you a playa like me? i cant have sex but the ladies love waxing my dong with summadat hot vaseling i had over 4 women twice in my life can you handle what im packing? probably not

rudolph

santa was having problems with rudolph. he had shoved so much fucking snorty nose gunk up his hooter that his red red noselight by which santa could steer was shooting its beams in all the wrong directions. the holes from his nose had warped out to the size of a manhole and looked like a faggots giant lobeplug or else a a smoothed rock balanced on a flat pizza tongue. santa had to get hit shit together. in spite of his enormous piston-steel enterprise he still could not correctly fill out a budgeting form due to his collapsible fingertips and thus could not purchase a desperately sought out maglite or high intensity torch for guiding his sleigh full of homeless children and rudolph the ring-nosed reindood. so he sparked up a brite idea for making and hatching his new plan to change the state of the way things had been before since and after his plan to have a brite idea and sort out his affairs for the better in a better and for better way. he undressed rudolplh from his double breest sskin suit and flattened him out over a garbage can in order better to inspect him rudolph. and what did he find that rudolph had a haemohorrodi twice the strength of brightness and size of his nose that could illimnuate all of twinkseltown for santa and help him to get presents to people fast. that's what was most important about his plan was to get presents to people fast. fast presents and faster people. every year a faster present and a person who receives it hastily. he cut off rudolphs legs and stuck him with nails arsefirst off the fdront of his ship so that the haemodrofis painful red light would take out the darkness and make him safe agfain

shift

talk about a gaybo shift from the arsemouth of hell. jordan was invited to his favourite early 7am start and given the option to finish at a reasonable time or else keep working forever until he finally decomposed filling a child's discarded gym sock with hot wet piss. needless to say he chose the latter option and was subsequently offered many exciting on the job perks such as shortened breaks unsolicited overtime and fungal mind rot. what a brilliant way to waste a life cackled levgar the onion faced day manager as he farted jordan into oblivion leaving behind nothing more than a soiled uniform and a faint remembrance of something greater and more important

burps

burps for breakfast
farts for lunch
toejam on toast for tea

i shudder to think
whilst my puke fills the sink
of what my diet has done to me

bruthas

yo brothas   u jealous of my jungle boogie action?
living all on my own in a studio mansion
paying $50 rent when the fuck i got the cash
while you squat in the basement never gettin no ass

i'm a long slender man with twig-like digits
i throw a mean bowling ball with my girlfriend who's a midget
in a crazy old alley full of human bowling pins
one of which i swore was my girls estranged twin

but some guy he made hisself a worser mistake
when he ran from the bar and tried to tackle my date
you see in his mind he thought he would surely win the game
if he took down a pin that wasnt even in a lane

darth maul

i fucked darth maul with count dookus dick. he was bent over like a nasty rubber halloween mask as i shoved my ivory cane up his shitpipe til he burped a new symphony. fresh new lights started erupting from his sourdough butt as zebedi and other onlookers dropped trow in amazement. i was beside the fancy fruit aisle selecting apples and oranges for an upcoming death-row style spoof of my life thus far (feat. muhammad ali as tyler the rotting fungus) when i discovered that i didn't have to use solvents to erase the unhealthy seeds in apples they had been extracted and i was going to be f everything was going to be aaaaaaaaaaaokay